Broken
by Sunsongs
Summary: LxLight, self harm, possible yaoi. the death note has given light a curse, can he be saved before its too late?
1. Chapter 1

Broken

Warning: rated M for self-harm and sexual themes LXLight

Read it at own risk

(_Slanted words are things that are happening in the mind._)

Prologue:

Exhausted, he let his hand fall. There was a small wet metallic clink from the small silver blade, now stained red, as it hit the floor. A puddle of dark crimson was slowly spreading across the tile. He finally had peace; however short-lived may be. They were gone for now, that is all that mattered.

_How much longer can I go on like this…? I'm cracking, falling apart pieces at a time. It's only a matter of time before he figures it out. I've got to do something before the do it for me._

Darkness enveloped him as he passed out onto the locked bathroom floor of the Kira investigation headquarters; Basking in the rare tranquility, relishing it.

Chapter one:

Light, suppressed a yawn as he looked at the clock, he was unsurprised to see that it was well past 3:00 in the morning. He looked side long at the detective known as L, with whom he was working this investigation with. "Ryuzaki?"

The detective turned his head to look at light. "Yes light?" he asked placidly.

Light sighed in side. Making an effort to look tired, which wasn't hard, considering how little sleep he had been getting. "Would it be acceptable if I was to retire to my room for the remainder of the night?" he sounded as emotionless as L.

"Yes. That will be fine. Rest well." He was already refocused on his computer screen.

Light hadn't the slights clue as to what the detective was working on. Ever since Kyosuke Higuchi had been killed by Kira after his capture, the case had come to a standstill. The Deathnote had been locked away into a vault that was hidden by L, but Kira found it and took it. That had been four days ago, all was quiet now.

Light opened the door to his room and walked slowly inside. Once he had showered and changed into his silk night clothes, light walked over to the door and locked it. His door only locked form the inside, so he was sure that he would not have to worry about people bothering him. Although sleep was the reason he gave to L, that was not the real reason he had come up here. Light didn't sleep any more, he couldn't. The dreams had become too much. Every time he closed his eyes since regaining his memories of the Deathnote, he saw their faces, he felt their pain. He was haunted by the people whose life he had taken. Even now as he fought the grip of sleep with all his might, those faces, silently screaming in agony, hung there in the darkness, threatening to overwhelm him.

_I had to touch the damn note book…, why did I do it! I could have gone on with my life never knowing that I had been cursed, that I had been evil…that I was and now again, Kira…. I can't sleep, I will never sleep. I don't eat, and I'm always so tense. It won't be long before someone notices, if they haven't already. Maybe I should resume the killing, this never happened when I did that… NO! I can't… I will NEVER kill again, ever._

As soon as it was an acceptable time to rise, light got up and prepared himself for another torturous day in hell… his hell.

L looked up as light walked into the work room. Light looked exhausted and distracted. L also noticed how tense and wound up he looked. Realizing that this is the first time that he had really looked at the boy in a long time, L decided to see what else he could see. Light had dark circles under his eyes, much like his own. He looked a bit thin, and L noted that the boy sat down at the desk and didn't even ask for a cup of coffee. How could he not have noticed this before? There was something wrong with light. "Light?"

light looked over indicating that he was listening.

"Would you like something to eat?" that was an innocent enough question.

"I'm not hungry" was all he said and he continued to work on his computer.

6 HOURS LATER

It was now about 1:00 in the afternoon, which was lunch time for L. light watched as he shoveled sweets into his mouth. It was truly disgusting to light. Light made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat. L herd the teen make the sound and looked over to see that once again he was not eating.

"Light, are you well?" there was a touch of worry in his voice.

"Yes, Ryuzaki, I am well…I…just am not hung-"he froze mid-sentence, his eyes growing wide in fear. He just stared at the wall over L right shoulder.

"Light...? What is it? Are you ok?" L looked over his should, upon finding nothing but a blank wall, he turned back around. What he found, struck a bit of fear in to his heart. Light had collapsed onto his knees and was staring at the wall horror etched into his entire being. He was clawing at his ears and sweating and shaking, tears streamed down his face. Seeing this strong willed, god of a teen struck down like this was frightening. Some thing was seriously wrong, but what?


	2. Chapter 2

Broken

Chapter 2

Light was going to say that he wasn't hungry and not to worry, but what he saw stopped him in his tracks. Small rivers of blood were starting to run down the wall, getting noticeably thicker by the second until the wall was a waterfall of blood and the marble floor was a crimson pool.

A blood curdling scream ripped through his mind. It was not his own. It continued and was joined by whispers; that of which would have come from the mouth of The Devil himself. They hissed at him…

'_You… you killed usss...'_

'_Our blood issss… on your handssss...'_

'_Itsss… all your fault…'_

'_We won't go'_

'_Kill for ussss'_

'_Strengthen usssss….'_

Light looked about frantically. There was no one but L, himself and the blood. Oh god… the blood. He looked at himself and realized he was covered in the warm, sticky, red fluid.

Light jumped up, disgust and panic blocking out the screams and whispers. He ran up the stairs and locked his bedroom door. He tore of his clothes and threw them into farthest, darkest corner of his closet.

Running to the bathroom, locking the door, light turned the water for the shower on as hot as it would go. He climbed into the shower as fast as he could. He had to get the blood of-…

Looking down at his hands and body, he saw no blood. It was gone… and as light began to calm down, he realized that the room, his head was quiet once more. Breathing a sigh of relief, light chalked this resent event up to his lack of sleep.

He continued his shower, now free of panic's strangling grip.

DOWNSTAIRS

L stood there paralyzed by fear. He watched as light look around himself as if he was searching in vain for someone or something. Looking at his hands in raw terror, he jumped up without a word and ran up the stairs.

L was shocked beyond belief. What had just happened? Was the kid having some kind of episode, some mental breakdown?

L stared at the spot from which light had vacated and struggled to comprehend what he had just seen. What was he supposed to do now?

Turning back to his computer, L sat down and began to work again, in hope that the monotonous of the action would allow him to make sense of what he had just witnessed.

UPSTAIRS

After drying off and getting into a change of clothes, light went to his closest. Upon pulling out the earlier discarded clothes, and examining them, light confirmed his theory that his mind was playing tricks, due to his lack of sleep.

Tossing the clothes into the hamper, light unlocked his door and headed downstairs.

Coming back into the work room, light saw that L had resumed working, he didn't even look fazed by what he had just seen. Angrily light sat down back at his desk, wishing that the worlds greatest detective would at least look at him. "Ryuzaki?"

"Yes light? Are you ok, by the way?"

"Ya. That's what I was going to say, I am fine, it was just the effects of lack of sleep. That's all I'm good now."

"Maybe you should retire early?"

Light looked at L. _was that concern in his eyes?_ Looking at the clock, light realized how late it actually was. He was reluctant to go to bed though. Although he had no rightful reason, light was sure that what he had just experienced would happen again the moment he was alone and let his guard down.

Deciding that he should put on a good show for L, light stood up and addressed L.

"You are right, Ryuzaki, I shall go to bed early tonight. Good night L." he didn't wait for an answer, but turned and gracefully walked out of the room and up the stairs, already succumbing to the screams and whispers of the dead.


	3. Chapter 3

Broken

Chapter 3

**SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER THE FISRT EVENT:**

_Nowhere to go… can't hide… can't run… they are everywhere. Must get away. Have to get away. Can't hold on any more._

Light had spent the whole day curled into a corner of his dark closet. L had given the task force the day off, to spend, how they please. Light had informed L that he was going to spend the day at the headquarters, and went straight to his room, where he had remained, till this very moment. The voices had stayed with him all day and every night, since that first night.

It had been easy enough to ignore what was happening at first. The voices were quiet and the tight schedule that light kept for himself helped to distract him. Through the next week though, it became harder to ignore them. This was most likely do to his lack of sleep and his refusal to food. He was weakening his body, thus weakening his mental strength. Because of this, he was becoming distracted more and more easily.

All through the last 3 days, things had gotten much worse; worse than it had ever been. It had gotten so bad at one point, that light had forgotten where he was and who he was with, and he had shouted at the voices, that where now screaming at him, 'NO! I WONT DO IT, NOT FOR YOU, NOT FOR ANYBODY!' Having realized what he had done, light stood up, apologized to the room, and without looking at anyone promptly left.

Just yesterday, things took a turn. One voice began to come forward, as the others slowly sank into the back ground. It was different. Unlike the others, this voice commanded his attention. He couldn't ignore it. He had been sitting in the dark, waiting for morning, trying to keep his routine as normal as possible so as not to raise suspicion. Sitting on his bed, Light had look up when he notice the difference in the voices. What he saw scared him to the core. His heart stopped, and then kicked into overdrive. Standing before light, was, well light, only it wasn't, something was off. This light was nothing more than a shadow of the real light. Same hair same face, body and fashion choice. The only difference was the eyes. His where a warm chocolate color. The man before him had eyes like fire, full of hatred and pure evil. Light stared, unbelieving. The shadow, spoke.

"I am Kira." He gave light an evil smirk "you will kill for me." Then without giving light a chance to react, Kira walked into light, pushing him out of his body, so he was the watching as kira took his body. Kira, in lights body, turned to light, "I have been waiting, until you were too weak to fight me. Now I have control." He took the death note from its hiding place, took a pen from the night stand and opened the death note. He wrote for a second. Turning back to light he said, "maybe now you will listen to us, to me." Setting the notebook down on the nightstand, he walked through light again, and light was once more in control of his body. Light looked all around him, but kira was gone, and so were the voices. Light ran to the nightstand. Inside the note book, on a blank page, kira had written a single name;

Misa Amane.

Misa was dead. Light hid the note book again. Deciding to act normal, light fallowed his normal routine only to be told that everyone had the day off partly to let anyone who wanted to, grieve for Misa, thus finding him here, hiding in his closet, losing his mind once again.

Light got up. He had made a decision. He was going to make them go away. He walked out into the hall, turned left and walked to the end of the hallway. Light opened the door in front of him, reach in, and pulled out a small box of filler blades for a box cutter. He closed the door and took the box back to his room. He went into the bath room, closed and locked the door. Setting the box down on the counter, light looked into the mirror. What he saw was ugly. His hair had lost some of its color; his clothes were wrinkled and hung off of him loosely. He looked half dead.

Light sighed deeply.

He took a blade out of the box; the harsh florescent lights glinted of the cold hard steel. Light rolled up his sleeves, bringing the blade down to the pale skin of his wrist; he pushed down and drew the blade quickly across it. The blood started to drip. The pain was instant, and then came the burning warmth. He did again and again. Light looked at his work, six neat cuts about a quarter of an inch apart lay there on pale skin, now painted red, as was the counter and the floor. With the blood went the voices. He was calm now.

After cleaning himself and the bathroom, light wrapped the wounds in gauze and put on a dark hoody. Light never wore hoodies, but it was loose on the sleeves to avoid irritating the wounds and making them bleed again. Light went down stairs to join L for dinner.

Upon hearing light come down the stairs, L looked up. L was shocked to see the teens face, there was peace, small, but peace none the less. Also the was wearing a hoody, never, in the 2 years that L had known light, had he ever worn anything but his usual button up dress shirt and tie. L took note of all of this.

"Hi Ryuzaki." Light said with a slight smile, not looking at L.

"Good evening, light" L was concerned about him; something was off, wrong, about light. He looked fragile, like if he was breathed on wrong, he would shatter, into a million pieces. L watched as light walked over to the table that was used for eating, which L was about to do. He grabbed a chair and started to pull it out, but he stopped, doing his best to hide a grimace of pain, light switched from his left hand to his right and pulled out the chair. He sat down, crossing his arms over his chest, left under right, in an effort to make himself smaller than he already was and considering that the kid hadn't eaten anything in weeks, that wasn't hard to do.

"Are you hungry light? Would you like me to make you something?" L hoped that light would accept his offer.

Light finally looked at L. he could see concern in the older man's face. Was he actually worried about him? Yes, yes he was. This realization sent a flutter through his stomach, which, made light sad. People shouldn't worry about him, he was a monster, and deserved to be hated. A small tear escaped light's eye.

L watched Lights face as he waited for an answer. He watched as his features changed from slight happiness, to a deep sadness and internal anger. When L saw the tear, he jumped out of his seat and walked the short distance around the table to Light. He reached a hand out to touch his shoulder. Light flinched away. Now cowering against the wall away from L, Light was crying hard, hatred etched into his whole being, but, as L noticed, outwardly, but internally at himself. Before L could say anything, light ran out of the room, up the stairs toward his room.

L whole self yearned to follow and comfort the boy, to comfort light. Decided, L walked out of the room, and headed for the stairs that lead to lights room.

Light, leaned against his bedroom door. Sliding to the ground he shook with sobs and pure anguish. He wanted, to be held, to be comforted. He wanted to tell L everything, and have L hold him and tell him that it would be all right, but he knew I wasn't to be. He was being controlled by the murderer Kira, he was kira. He was evil, and he deserved to be hated, to be despised. He deserved to die.

Light heard a light knock at his door.

"Light? Are you ok? Do you want to talk?"

_Yes L I would love to talk….._ "No... L…even if I wanted to I can't…. You would not understand… L…Ryuzaki... I'm sorry…for everything… I never wanted this…" Light reached up and locked the door, standing up he walked into the bathroom and locked that door too.

Lights words sounded so sad. Was he mistaken or did they sound like a goodbye? When L heard the door lock, he began to panic. He banged his fists on the door, begging light to let him in. he got no reply.

Light could hear L, knocking and begging, but light turned a deaf ear. He pulled out a new razor blade from the box he had left on the counter. He slid down the wall to sit on the floor. H took off the hoody. Taking off the gauze, caused the old wounds to bleed again. Light didn't feel anything, no pain. He took the blade in his right hand. Tip placed at the bottom of his hand, pushing hard, the blood began to flow. He dragged the blade buried deep into his wrist, down his arm, all the way to the crook of his elbow. He was already light headed form the loss of blood. This would be the end. Exhausted, he let his hand fall. There was a small wet metallic clink from the small silver blade, now stained red, as it hit the floor. A puddle of dark crimson was slowly spreading across the tile. He finally had peace; however short-lived may be. They were gone now, that is all that mattered.

_How much longer can I go on like this…? I'm cracking, falling apart pieces at a time. It's only a matter of time before he figures it out. I'm glad I did something before kira did it for me... im sorry L…I really am._

In the distance, he heard a faint splintering sound, L had figured it out. Light wished he could look at L one last time. Darkness enveloped him as he passed out onto the locked bathroom floor, Basking in the rare tranquility, relishing it.

L had to get in there, something about lights word, scared him. Backing up as far as he could, L ran at the door, kicking it in. light was not in the room. Looking to the battroom he saw that the door was closed. Trying the handle told him that it was locked too. He banged on the door.

"Light! Let me in! Please don't… don't anything stupid! Please open the door!" he got no answer. L backed up and ran at the door. The door swung open.

What L saw brought him to his knees.


	4. Chapter 4

Broken

**Chapter 3 Recap: **

"Light!? Let me in! Please don't… don't anything stupid! Please open the door!" he got no answer. L backed up and ran at the door. The door swung open.

What L saw brought him to his knees.

Chapter 4

The bottom most floor of the headquarters, made up the medical facility. Light lay on a bed, hooked up to monitors, IVs and a respirator. He was in a coma, had been for six days. L watched light sleep, the machines beeping and whirring, IV dripping… the things keeping light alive. He felt guilty, ashamed; he was the world's top 3 detectives, how had he missed what was happening to light? He should have paid light more attention. Why hadn't he cared a bit more? What was he afraid of?

L watched the boy, praying that he would wake up, and soon.

_Its so dark. Am I dead? How did I get here? Where ever here is… I have to be dead; there is no other explanation... Wait! What is that… that light, coming toward me? Oh… god… not him. Why him?! Why can't he just leave me alone? "You..."_

"_Yes. Me. Tsk tsk… Did you really think that I would go away that easy? Nice try, but honestly. I'm Kira. You will NEVER be free of me. I am you. Now I must punish you, for you have set my plan back. I'm going to hurt you the way you hurt Me." that smile, it's so evil._

"_No… NO!" Gahh….! The pain…! This must be hell death shouldn't hurt so badly. This must be my punishment for the lives I've let Kira take…_

L was pulled out of his thoughts, when he notice light's heart rate increasing. The teen was sweating and tears were running down his face, which was distorted with agony. The monitor that kept track of his brain activity, which had previously been showing virtually no activity, was now off the charts.

Panic gripped L around the chest. He pushed at the call button, and then moved though light. He grabbed his hand, not knowing what else to do. Three nurses hurried into the room. L just looked at them, pleading with his eyes for them to do something.

One of the nurses spoke up. "I think he is trying to come back to us." She put her hand on lights arm. "It's ok light, every ones waiting for you. Come back to us."

Light did not respond. L suddenly had an Idea. Griping lights hand tighter, he leaned in and spoke into lights ear. "Light… come to me. I have you. You are safe now. Fallow my voice. Come back to this world… come back to me… please… light."

_It's so hot. The light burns. How does he make it? "Light…" was… that Ryuzaki? "Come to me." _

_The pain..? It's gone? "Ryuzaki! I'm coming. Where are you? I can't find you!" don't panic. You will find him. Close your eyes, feel for him._

Light could hear people talking. He felt people around him. Something touched him sending pain up and to the center of his chest. He became aware of something stich down his throat. Panic took control as his eyes flew open; he ripped at the thing attached to his face. He could feel people trying to grab him and hold onto him. The light was making it impossible for him to see. Finally succeeding to pull out the thing in his throat, he flung himself away from the grabbing beasts and crawled across the floor squeezing into the darkest place he could find, a corner. His eyes were now mostly adjusted. Looking around light saw four shocked faces staring at him. He recognized only one. "Ryuzaki?" his voice was only a whisper, but L heard him.

"Light. Welcome back." He walked over to light, taking it a step at a time, not wanting to frighten to boy.

"Wha…what's going on? Where am I? How…?" he started to ask, but suddenly memories flooded back. He remembered everything. Kira. The blade. His dream. The pain. Gasping, he stood up, a little too fast, and staggered away from L. "GET WAY! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER! PLEASE!"

"Light what's wrong?" l looked so concerned. Light wanted to go over and hug him, but he knew he couldn't trust himself, not with_ HIM_ inside of his body. L took something from the nurse and walked toward light.

"RYUZAKI, PLEASE YOU CANT TRUST ME. I DON'T WANT HIM TO HURT YOU. DO- " light felt a small prick on the side of his neck and strong arms wrap around his waist. Looking at L, light saw the needle. A small "oh" slipped out if his mouth, and then he collapsed into L. with the help of the nurses, L carried light over to the bed. He pulled the covers up around light. Once all the machines and IV's had been hooked back up, L sat back down in his chair and watched the sleeping light, trying to make sense of what the teen had said

I'm sooo sorry that this took so long. My computer was all messed up, and then I was sick and now school so. Sorry. I know excuses right? This is short I know net one will be longer I promise.


End file.
